I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. - Henry Youngman
Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that’s really where you wish they were. - George E. Bergman
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. - Murphy's Law
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. - Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you. - Winston Churchill
If at first you do not succeed, then skydiving is surely not meant for you.
For fast acting relief, try s-l-o-w-i-n-g d-o-w-n. - Lily Tomlin
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. - Murphy's Law
It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
A man who envies our family is a man who needs help. - Yeardley Smith
If you are not living life on the edge then you are taking up too much space.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. - Bill Cosby
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergman
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. - Murphy's Law
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming. - Jimmy Carter
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
Do stairs go up or down?
He who laughs, lasts. - Mary Poole
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers
I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness. - - Alicia Silverstone, Actress
You guys line up alphabetically by height. - A sports coach
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose. - Dennis Miller
I'd do it for the right amount of money - a couple of billion. - Donald Trump
The internet is a great way to get on the net. - Bob Dole
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. - Tim Allen
If sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
There is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later. - Douglas Adams
The making of a journalist: no ideas and the ability to express them. - Karl Kraus


 

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