Funny One Liners – Funny One Line Jokes

They lived happily until they got married.

“What did one ghost say to another?”

“Do you believe in people?”

My friend has a fine watch dog.

At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.

“Room Service? Can you send up a towel?”

“Please wait someone else is using it.”

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

“Where did you get those big eyes?”

“They came with the face.”

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

Sanjay : “I passed your house yesterday.”

Anil : “Thanks I appreciate it.”

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

“Look, guide, here are some lion tracks.”

“Good. You see where they go and I’ll find out where they came from.”

“Do you think I”ll lose my looks as I get older?”

“Yes if you’re lucky.”

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.

“Has there been any insanity in your family?”

“Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he’s the boss.”

I was thinking of becoming a doctor. I have the handwriting for it.

Why did you hit your husband with a chair?”

“I couldn’t lift the table.”

“My wife doesn’t know what she wants.”

“You’re lucky. My wife does.”

We have a quiet home life. I don’t speak to her and she doesn’t speak to me.

Did you hear about the wife who shot her husband with a bow and arrow because she didn’t want to wake the children.

The quickest way to make tossed salad is to give fresh vegetables to an 18-month-old child.

“What do use for washing dishes?”

“Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best.”

“How is your wife getting along on her reducing diet?”

“Fine. She vanished last night.”

“Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?”

“What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?”

“Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?”

“I ought to be able to. I’ve had 12 different jobs in four months.”

There are two kinds of secrets : one is not worth keeping and the other is too good to keep.

“I heard you missed school yesterday.”

“Not a bit.”

“I gotta ‘A’ in spelling.”

“You dope! There isn’t any ‘A’ in spelling.”

My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.

I have no objections – I let her talk.

There’s one thing good about being poor – its inexpensive.

Summer must be over. My neighbour just returned my lawn furniture

Memory is what tells a man his wedding anniversary was yesterday.

An unmarried man has no buttons on his shirt. A married man has no shirt.

“My uncle has a cedar chest.”

“My uncle has a wooden leg.”

“I want some current literature.” “Here are some books on electric. lightning.”

There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

Before we got married I caught her in my arms. Now I catch her in my pockets.

He met her in a revolving door and has been going around with her ever since.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind everyunsuccessful man, there are two!

Every man/woman should marry – After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

The wise never marry – And when they marry they become otherwise.

Success is a relative term – It brings so many relatives!

Never put off the work until tomorrow – what you can put off today!

Your future depends on your dreams – So go to sleep!

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

Hard work never killed anybody – But why take the risk!

Work fascinates me – I can look at it for hours!

God made relatives – Thank God we can choose our friends!

When two’s company, three’s the result!

82.6% of statistics are wrong…

98% of the time I am right. Why worry about the other 3%

If you can’t laugh at yourself, I’ll do it for you.

If you can’t make it good, make it LOOK good

Illiterate?… Write for FREE HELP!

Broken guitar for sale – no strings attached.

But I don’t have an “any key” on my computer!

But I don’t like the cat. Shut up and eat your dinner!

The family that sticks together should bathe more often.

The fridge light DOES go out. Now let me out of here!!!!

The more you say, the less people remember.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That…

Never hit a man with glasses… Use your fist!

Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore entirely

He’s dead Jim. Kick him if you don’t believe me

Oh yea? If you’re so smart, why don’t I understand you?

Oh, I’m sorry, were the voices in my head bothering you?

I can’t remember the last time I forgot something.

Time is the best teacher, but it kills all its students.

Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

Why remember quotes when you can make them up?

When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.

Too bad they missed.


Should women have children after 35?

No, 35 children are enough!


Are you coming for my 18th birthday party?

No, I went for that five years ago.


No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening.


Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free

Trip around the Sun.


Your future depends on your dreams

So go to sleep !


Work fascinates me

I can look at it for hours !


God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends


Love is photogenic;

it needs darkness to develop


Children in backseats cause accidents;

Accidents in backseats cause children !


A Policeman catches a guy who was crossing the street at a wrong place

and shouts Why are you crossing here? Cant you see a zebra

crossing there ?

The guy replies Let the zebra cross. What can I do


Do you know of a fellow who parked his car in front of

board which said FINE FOR PARKING


A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you’ve been

brought here for drinking.

Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get started?


Can you do anything that other people can’t?

Sure, I can read my handwriting.


Whom are you working for?

Same people. My wife and four kids.


I heard you have a cat that can say her own name.

Yes. Meow.


When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?

She answers: My husband’s cheque book.